Ravah Pink

woohoo!  My car is broke down!  I <3 my life. 

I...am...uhh...currently unemployed...which adds to my already wonderful life. Ugh. & thats all for now.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then i walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the line of what's
Fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And i walk alone
I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone.
I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone


Good song there.  Im going to thier concert in a few weeks to see then & New Found Glory...cuz well...New Found Glory rocks my face. <3

...i will never understand why you intriuge my imagination as you do...

i dislike you...very...very...much.

the end.

As my world crumbles down
I look around
& as far as I can see
The only person here is me.

I took off work today. Im not fuckin with them about all this. I have enough shit going on. Mom wanted me not to go. Turns out she wanted me home today because she wanted to be sure someone was here to get the kids off the bus cuz today they started school. So I took grandmas clothes to the funeral home & dropped them off.
I managed to get time to run into the post office & send Ash's package & another from KT. I deposited my money order & got some cash. I got my lil bro & sis & bought them dinner & ice creams. We went to Sams & I got tons more pics made for the collage & poster. Mom needed me to get food & drinks ect for the get together of the family after the funeral & needed me to do some grocery shopping. I went out today & bought all the newspapers at the gas station cuz grandmas obituary ran today. I wonder if its online...

RUTHERFORD Donna J. Adkins. Beloved daughter of the late W. Leonard and Hazel Waddell. Loving wife of David Rutherford. Loving mother of Deborah Lang, Richard Howell, Tina Gilmore and Brenda Lindsey. Dear stepmother of Susie Long, Charlotte Taylor, Esther Henderson, Wayne Adkins, David Rutherford, Jason Rutherford and Mike Rutherford. Dear sister of William L. and the late Robert Waddell. Donna is also survived by many grandchildren, great- grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Donna died on August 24, 2004 at age 67. Residence Williamsburg, OH. Friends may call at the E.C. Nurre Funeral Home (St. Rt. 125) Amelia on Saturday from 11-1. Funeral services will follow at 1 P.M. Interment Tate Township Cemetery.


yeah.

So today was the day that mom went to the State Highway Patrol Office. Figures she talked to the officer that was on the scene & everthing...& it was the day she wanted me at home. A police report will take weeks...at least a month to recieve...& you cant order pics till after that. & they wont show you anything there. I know the mans name now, that was driving the truck...he was like 39 & drives semis for a living. *goes to to a background check on him*

omg...okay...mom said this man lives in batavia...she knew his last name...but when i asked his first name...she said she *thought* it was Joseph. There were no Josephs, so I looked at everyones birthdays to see what person with records were 39. The man who is 39 has 4 priors all dealing with wrecks ect. He is from Batavia & has a truck. We thought he would be clean...cuz well thats what the police acted like...like he had a pretty clean record...& that he drives a semi...so you had to have a good record. Some of the things, it looks like not much was done about...point wise & such...& mom made a comment that this man lives right next to a state highway patroll man. I dont like this one bit. But...what i juss found leads to my next bit here...

What they are telling us at the station...& what I can see...from her car...from the road...from the grass...ect...makes no sence. If your logical...& you have a brain...you can see it. I guess shit like this just racks my brain...but I tell you what...Im a damn smart girl...& I'll tell you what...soooo many people have told me I should be a private investigator or some shit...I look soo far into things that I dont feel are right. I wanna know every detail of everything. & I guess its juss that part of me thats saying this is not right. Mom said im looking for someome to blame the fault on...cause i dont wanna blame it on grandma...but thats not the case. Its just that what we are being told dosent match what is there. Today thier saying the man hit her when she was already on to the side street...well then...what the hell was this fuck doing on the side street? If he would have stayed where he was & not off the road...2 lanes & a shoulders width+...he wouldnt have hit her... & thier saying she knocked down that stop sign...but its a good far a way away...theres no way. I went there...its sooooo far away from any mark or anything. Thats not right. They are trying to say he hit her at 30 mph. The passenger side of her car is in the drivers side. This was a brand new Grand Am. Charles used to have the same car...one year older...& I seen shit happen to it over the time he had it...I just cant see it. & nothing makes sence. I wanna go back...I wanna take more pics. I wanna see this truck too. (my cousin went to try & see it...but they wouldnt let anyone near it...said there was a 3 day hold on it...& they couldnt even look through the fence...that they had to leave. Well what the fuck is that shit. I mean...we walked right up to g-mas car...we looked in...hell...we even picked up her shifter knob that got severed off. If he wasent intoxicated in anyway...& he wasent hurt at all in the crash...then why cant it be looked at.) Things are making no sence...& im not looking to blame. I just wanna know EXACTLY what happened...why it happened...& how it happened...& then i can rest with all this. Mom is getting mad...but I guess I will have to go back by myself then tomorrow & take more pics...cuz this is not cool.

I wasent gonna write in here tonight cuz im on so little sleep...but we will see how this works out.
I took off work today...we went to the funeral home...got things taken care of there. They do an awesome picture callage for you now for free which is great. Grandma never took that great of pics tho...so its kinda hard.
We went to the monument place...& like wooah. She is bein buried in a plot where her ex-husband is...it has her old last name all big on the rock.
Donna J. Adkins-Rutherford is her name by the way...if any locas heard about it on the news...aparently its all over that...& even the radio.
Mom is so beside herself on what to do that i basically have to be the brain. I have to remember everything...remind her to ask this, & ask that...call here & call there. Dont forget this & dont forget that. We went to her house today to rummage through her things to find all her info that we needed...Will, appointed things, bonds, cd's ect. I found the boxes. You find some crazy shit when you go through peoples thigns. She is still not really moved in...boxes everywhere...thigns are scattered. Come to find out we are missing a lot more than we thought...like half the stuff is there & half is not...& we have no idea where to find the rest. She had mass bank accounts...tons of insurances...property...just tons of shit...& half the shit is missing. Bonds, cd's & money. So yeah. Moms stressin.
We went to see the car today. OMG. & of course...I got to be photographer. Its like...wrap one of your hands around one of your fists...& then move the fist...thats what her car looked like. Looks like she was hit by a train. Blood, glass...the bumper is on the hood yada yada.
Then we went to the scene of the accident. I took some more pics there. There were pieces of her car everywhere still. Paint chips all over. Medical gloves & vital patches in the grass. We even found the poor womans glasses in the field. :(
Thing is...what we see on the scene...& what the cops tell us what happened makes no sence. As to how it happened...where cars landed...ect. They say they are looking into speeding & intoxication...but they dont think either was the case. I think something is total bs. Cuz things dont match up. I wanna know who the other driver was...where he was from, & his age.
Tonight I had to go get those pics developed & some from her wedding. I also got the privledge of buying her a new blouse to be burried in.
This is still so unreal. Grandmas just dont die suddenly like that. They get old, they update thier wills, & you expect it. I feel like i have to hold everything in around my mom. Shes crying constantly, & I have to reassure her of everything.
Work is giving me shit about wether or not im comming in tomorrow or not. Ashley had the nerve to tell me tonight that I needed to be there tomorrow because we are having an operational audit & the vice presidents are going to be there & told me that this was just really bad timimg. Oh, im sorry you fuckin cunt...i didnt ask for this. argh.
So yeah...mom dosent want me to go to work...she wants me to be with her...so thats the only choice I have. She told me to tell them to fuck off if I had too. Its not like Im gonna go in & "operate" correctly for thier audit anyhow.
Oh well. I need sleep.
Goodnight world.

So earlier I was online...feeling slightly better today...
A call came through about 12am. Kicked me off. It was my grandpa.
My grandma died tonight. She was only in her 60's. Perfect health. Wonderful woman.
She was driving home, & was making a left turn across a highway. Its a bad intersection. They are currently installing a light there. She didnt see the truck comming & he slammed into her. She died on the scene.
Not the typical way your grandmother dies. I went to the hospital with my parents & some others in my family. It was the first time I had ever been in a morgue. They pulled her body from a freezer like you see in the movies. The body bag had blood stains & blood across the zipper. They unzipped to the waist & showed her cold body. She was cut all over. There were bruises & scabs. Her mouth hung wide open. I think the image is burnt into my mind. I loved my grandma. I dont remember the last words I said to her. We were on good terms. We didnt fight. Its just so sudden. No one thought it would happen like this. You think grandma is going to get old, & sick, & be in a nursing home, & you are going to expect it. But no one did. My mom is freaking out. She has lived her whole life with her mother in her life...she turned to her...she got advice & everything from her mother her entire life...& now my mom is in a crisis where she just wants to call her mom & she cant. This is my grandma who just got married...not even 4 months ago. Who just built & moved into a new home no more than a month & a half ago. Grandma was the only one who told me that she was really proud of me. Who told me I was great, & that I was on the right track with college & how good I was all the time. Grandma gave me recognition. Mom is the person in charge of everything. I guess the power of attorney. She has to arrange everything. Make all the calls. Get the will. Everything. She dosent believe that this is real, & neither do i. No one really knows what to do. I, myself, am beside myself with everything thats going on. Only one person who reads this really knows half of whats going on in my life right now. & things are just so...omg.

***my mom just hollered up to me, (the 5am news is on) & she just saw on there about the wreck. They said my grandmas name & said that they are still investigating a wreck at that intersection, where she died at the scene, & the driver of the truck was unhurt. OMG. Why, 7 hours later, do you have to investigate a wreck by someone making a left turn a few seconds too late? Something is not right here.

Were gonna have the funeral at Nurre. Thats all we know. I have to take off tomorrow. Well...today...& help mom with things.

Ash...im sorry...but I cant get your package to the post office tomorrow morning...but I know you will understand...& also...can you do me a favor...& contact Warriah off KT cuz I told them that thier package would be going out tomorrow morning also. Thanks sweetie.


Grandma just a few months ago...so happy with her new skillet I got her for her wedding.

<3 RIP <3

the last 24 hours have been a living nightmare
i always manage to put on this happy face. to say lol & make stupid emoticons.
but not today.

i think today has been the worst day of my life so far in my 20 years.
a large percentage of my worst fears have came true.
all my effort seems for nothing...& im not quite sure why all this is happening to me.

I spent most of last night in an emergency room. Not for me...but with someone else. 911 had to be called. & things are not okay.
People around me are dieing...& theres nothing i can do. they want it that way.

yet...i dont understand...why...

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on a semi good note i did end up going to Gretta's party the other night. she seemed glad that i showed. Russ kept entering my personal bubble...so he was made to look like an ass in front of everyone. whoops. too bad. some kid that i knew way back when showed up...& yeah...i really dont like him...& Chris almost kicked his ass anyhow. so yeah..it wasent much fun.

im way too stressed out. over everything.

im debating moving to another position at work. cant decide.

my parents are out of town...its been a routine since sunday...work...come home...freak out...check the house for intruders like a baby...eat food...watch tv...sleep...& repeat...

i have a funeral to go to tomorrow.

charles is in the hospital.

i had some sort of nervious attack today at work that i blamed on my blood sugar.

so yeah. things are not so dandy...

i just cryed on the phone with chris
he didnt know
but i immediatly got off the phone
i dont know what it was
he used to be such a great friend
thats all i need is a friend
nothing more & nothing less
i should be at Grettas right now
she is leaving America Tuesday to go to Canada & get married & then going back to Bulgaria
shes a sweet girl
i feel bad for missing her party
i can still go...but i dont feel like being around people
i would rather curl up & feel sorry for myself for some reason or another
to go...or not to go...
its 12:08am
all the things that have been building up inside my head will soon enough burst...& I think im afraid of having that breakdown around any of my peers...
it hurts to feel as if your the only one who understands yourself
for the first time in my life i think i have gained a little bit of weight
not that that is a bad thing for someone of my size at all...
it just shows that soemthing is wrong
the hello kitty blankie that jen got me is comforting
i feel like im going to regret going or not going, either way
chris & russ will be there till about 2:30 or 3. todor is there & im sure alaine also. the stupid russion alchahol stealer is there which would juss piss me off more. all the bulgarians are fuckin nuts. thier halarious...but i dont feel like laughing.
i dont wanna go & be around anyone...but i dont wanna live with not even showing to grettas going away party...
not that she would ever make any kind of effort for me...or probably even notice that i didnt show.
i dont know why i care...but thats just me.
i dunno what to do...
i should at least show up for a few...say hi...but then again...i dont feel like driving that far...i really hate to drive.
did i mention that it is a Saturday night...& tomorrow im off. yeah. pathetic.
*sigh*
who knows...

you didnt cause me drama or anger
im stressed but thats my own deal
i juss need to chill
away from everyone
i dont want to talk to anyone
i even ignored a call from my best friend yesterday
if i talk, its short & sweet cuz i dont know what to say
eventually i will break down, cry, & pull all my hair out
then...i'll be a lil betta....

thingsarentthesame

bwhahahahahahaha

i dont think i have the same compassion after i know what i know
found out yesterday
seems you were preoccupied
should i care
for my good
or for yours
doubt it
maybe thats why ive been more like me

<3

I COULD BE at Riverbend right now...backstage with Linkin Park...
yah...
for free...
yah...
*shoots self in head*
...BUT...im proud of myself for not going...

Tonight...after work...I went to Frishes with Gretta, Kate, Chris, Jason, Jessie, & Russell.  It was good fun all around.  Chris got upset about something & left in the middle...but i think thats a whole nother story.  I ordered a chicken tender kids meal ^_^ & had a hot fudge cake...& everyones cherrys...plus about 10 extras in a cup.  Mmm.  Good stuff. 
So yeah...that was the highlight of my day today. 

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Holy jeebus!
*legally changes name to RavahPink & eats nothing but chicken ever...ever..again*
woo!